Expectations vs Reality: The Sandwich Generation

Anna Allan
Jun 1
9 min read

There are so many titles and names for certain generations now that it can be confusing.

Gen X…

Gen Y...

Gen Z…

and that’s only half of them!

What hasn’t been mentioned or discussed in the analytics of generation charts is that most Business Owners reading this might well fall into what is becoming more popularly known as...

The Sandwich Generation

The only difference to the sandwich generation to the official generation charts is that there is no specific timeline to be included.

The Sandwich Generation is better defined as a person who has care and responsibility for both a parent and child at the same time. A person’s age is therefore not a strict consideration when ascertaining if they should be included in the sandwich generation, it is more of the person’s situation that decides this.

The Sandwich Generation is simply defined as a group of adults who have the responsibility of caring for their children as well as their ageing parents.

With other added responsibilities, being in the sandwich generation can cause a feeling of much stress and overwhelm as the complexities of both become all too clear.Just what does someone in the sandwich generation often have to contend with?

So here it is!

A simple guide of what you might resonate with right now in your life or what you might face in the future.

The expectations of what a person should be doing versus the reality of actually being in the sandwich generation, as I understand it, although this is just a taster of what goes through a person’s mind as life moves at a pace with more responsibilities to face.

Work life

Work can often bring about more pressure to those in a certain stage of life because it is not unusual for the person to have earned a position in middle to high level management.

Similarly, they may run their own business and whichever path has been taken, both will most probably bring about additional responsibility which has the potential to lead to more stress.

It could be that work is difficult to secure and the added pressure of not having enough income is realised.

This additional challenge can be even more stressful if it happens during the sandwich generation due to the financial responsibilities is more likely to have.

Work might have to be significantly reduced for a number of reasons including: personal circumstances, health, family or other special circumstances, again, leading to a less stable financial position.

What is also likely is that being in the sandwich generation, there will be no one to financially support the person in the sandwich generation (unless luck is on their side with a lottery win on the cards or, unfortunately, they have been left a significant amount of money in someone’s memory.

There could well be a number of people financially dependent on that person as well, bringing even more responsibility to the forefront.

A number of expectations can be set for a person and it is at this time they can pause and reflect what the reality is in their situation and how they wish to progress from there.

Home life

Home life could be extremely busy or at the other end of the scale, it could be equally as quiet and both scenarios has its challenges for different reasons.

Working long hours could lead to less time available to manage the home including the cleaning, laundry and cooking, some or all of which could be outsourced as and when required.

The realisation of spending more time everywhere else other than home leads to tiredness and, eventually, exhaustion.

Insufficient available working hours will see a person spending too much time at home which could lead to a physical decline as well as mental health challenges and the possibilities of overthinking, feeing anxious or experiencing depression all too easy to encounter when stress (particularly of a financial nature) becomes a key factor.

When someone is not busy, it is easy for procrastination to kick in and the jobs at hand might remain incomplete.

The reality of what is happening, especially when things get tough where the home is concerned, is bound to set in with any expectations taking a second seat.

The Partner

A person’s partner could feel that less time is being spent together and can put a strain on the relationship.

It is important that both partners communicate effectively in a two-way direction with mutual understanding.

If this is not done, any partner might feel they are being ignored and that everyone other than them is being prioritised.

Resentment could well come into play, putting undue pressure on the relationship with the challenge of compromise being required with little wriggle room to be able to because of the pressures being faced.

In contrast, as the relationship might be established with a couple entering the sandwich generation together which can create a mutual understanding of what the other is experiencing which brings them even closer.

With that in mind, it could also be possible that the partners are more comfortable living a more independent life for short periods of time due to the strength and longevity of the relationship together with having the experience of maintaining a healthy partnership.

A tag team effort can be created in which either member of the partnership is looking after a child or parent, regardless if that parent is theirs.

Expectations of any partner in the situation of caring for ageing parents an be higher than what can realistically be provided which can often come down to circumstances at work.

The Child

A child will be made a parent’s first priority. After all, the expectation is that any parent’s main responsibility is their child.

The relationship between a parent and child brings about much change and equally requires adaptability, flexibility, good planning and patience at any age!

During their childhood and especially in the teenage years, the developmental changes that young people experience requires supportive and, possibly, a more free-range style of parenting.

It can be a tricky role to fulfil and anyone who has experienced parenting a young person will resonate with the strategy changing weekly, if not daily!

The hormones of a young person growing up can often coincide with the female parent’s hormonal changes at the other end of the life cycle.

This, in itself, can act like a pressure cooker and as tensions rise, the more likely the situation is going to become more heated with tempers flaring at times.

With all the other challenges being thrown at a young person, including: study, exams, social relationships and often a change of education setting it can create a feeling of nervousness or overwhelm at times.

The likelihood of them talking through their worries is lower than it might have been in the past as they navigate this period in their life with more independence and risk.

Expectations vs reality when dealing with a child has its own chapter. There is a constant discussion on what each party ‘would like’ and ‘what they actually get’.

The Parent

Caring for an ageing parent is a whole different ball game!

The first challenge is having to change from the role of dependent to caregiver.

No matter how old a person is, they shall always see their parents through their younger eyes.

It can often be mentally challenging for a person in the sandwich generation to see their once strong and authoritative parents become frailer as life goes on around them, seemingly quicker than ever but much slower for them.

I have heard many adults in the sandwich generation report that their parents do not listen to them...

There is no doubt that a role reversal takes place and people often joke that it seems that ageing parents get their own back on their offspring for all the years they were ignored by their children!

This might well be representative of the internal tussle of ageing parents who are facing the reality of getting older and needing more help, which is a strange new challenge for them to face.

It is often the remaining parent, after the other has passed on, that requires caring for because until then, as a team of two who were together for a number of years, they were quite capable to manage and get by.

When one parent dies, the dynamics of the family can change overnight and it is often the skills that are missing because of a parent’s death that need to be provided or taught to the remaining one.

Grief is likely to get in the way which makes the task so much more difficult to bear.

Similarly, the expectations of an ageing parent with good cognitive function could well be what they are used to.

If their parent looked after their grandparent previously, the expectation of that tradition following through the generations might be expected.

The reality of that actually working well alongside the pressures in today’s modern world is another factor to consider.

Health

If you are a woman in the sandwich generation, as mentioned above, whilst age is not the driving factor likely to determine your stage of life and whether or not you are deemed to be in the sandwich generation, the likelihood is that you will be and hormones may be key.

Any person living with a hormonal woman will know this too well!

Similarly, a parent of a tween or teenage child will resonate and the person will know only too well their hormones are raging too.

It is an interesting mix when the sandwich generation’s brain fogginess and little memory hiccups coincide with that of an impressionable child as the conversation and debate can get heated quite quickly.

Health is a huge factor.

Sadly, it could be that a person’s health starts deteriorating.

Bodies, during the sandwich generation, can age significantly through wear and tear coupled with a

person’s genetics that they have inherited.

Things that people could do, even 5 years ago, might not be possible and is often a wake-up call that a person is no longer as fit as they once used to be!

Mentally, though, most people in the sandwich generation say the same thing.

People come to know their own minds and, as a result, are less likely to be afraid to follow their instincts.

The values and beliefs gained through the years up until now equip people in this group with confidence to follow their own path rather than choose someone else’s due to a lack of belief they have had in themselves previously.

The years of life experienced so far gives a person within this group the instinctive nature to do what ‘feels’ right, which includes health related matters.

The reality is that they are less likely inclined to be influenced because expectations of them are set.

Passing On

Poor health can lead to the inevitable and it might even be the first time for many in this stage of life to experience grief.

The parents, and maybe even grandparents, of a person in the sandwich generation are at an age that their end of life is approaching.

There is no manual on how to deal with what is unavoidable and it proves to be a challenge to most whatever their age.

However, when the time comes for a person in the sandwich generation to lose a parent, despite being older (and at an age they could be a parent and sometimes even a grandparent themselves) they still might feel too young to lose someone so close to them.

With all the guidance that has been provided over the years, it is often a way of them supporting their own tribe in the way they know, or consciously doing it differently.

It is also becoming sadly too common to lose friends during the sandwich generation as well. The loss felt of those who can be clearly remembered in years gone by and should, by all accounts, still be here certainly has an effect.

A deep sense of sadness undoubtedly unfolds alongside the feeling of disbelief that they passed on so young.

Self-reflection and a period of reminiscence sets in which, in turn, leads to the sandwich generation making the most of life and of the people they love.

They can often realise that life can be all too short for some.

Expectations become less important because the reality is that, as a person in the sandwich generation often witnesses, life is too short!