Why You Can’t Be Everything to Everyone
- Anna Allan
- Feb 1
- 5 min read
Being helpful to others is naturally seen by others as a great quality to have and of course it is.
We all probably want to be seen as kind, compassionate and generous.
To be able to achieve something that is asked of us which simultaneously becomes a personal reward is often felt as one of the biggest accomplishments for a person.
But to what cost does that come?
Benjamin Franklin famously said:
“If you want something done, ask a busy person.”
Mr Franklin made perfect sense in suggesting that busy people are likely to be the most capable and efficient in getting things done even if they are really busy.
When that attribute is demonstrated in all paths of our life, however, it can take its toll and whilst the person being everything to everyone is doing their best, ultimately it may not result in the expected end goal.
The effects that this has on both parties, both the one that is ‘being‘ everything and the one ‘receiving‘ it can be detrimental.
Taking both into consideration:
The People Pleaser
The person who aims to ‘be everything to everyone’ is likely to be a certain type of person.
They might be described as enterprising, ambitious or go-getting.
On the other hand, they may be seen as co-dependent and insecure.
The difference of opinion in the characteristics of people-pleasers is varied, and it takes more consideration as to why and how people are wired this way.
A person’s need for validation from another and the want of avoiding conflict leads to a number of consequences:
Their boundaries are lowered as they often overcommit themselves leading to the likelihood of burnout at one time or another.
Their personal values are muddied because they shall often not ‘do as they say’ as they go out of their way to achieve other people’s needs and, in doing so, neglect their own.
Their personal character becomes questionable as they ‘fit in’ to everyone else around them with their true opinions being kept to themselves so as not to disappoint others and their persona changing depending on the company they keep.
Their self-worth is compromised as they might not always receive the affirmation they require to make them feel of any value and therefore an internal battle with self-belief begins.
The attributes of a serial ‘people pleaser’ can create an unclear identity for others to understand and the person might be likened to a social chameleon as they present different versions of themselves as they ‘fit in’ depending on the circumstances they find themself in.
The One on the Receiving End
This person may receive bad press for ‘taking’ a lot from a person, demanding too much or even, in the extreme, being described as a narcissist.
If, however, they are unaware of the people pleaser’s traits and how they are in wanting to be everything to everyone, can this be deemed a little harsh?
Can they truly be oblivious and genuinely believe their person is in fact efficient and organised with excellent customer skills?
Regardless of whether they are savvy to the fact they are dealing with a people-pleaser, the relationship is likely to fall short at some point in time with the negative feelings coming to fruition.
They could perceive the other person as disingenuous through disbelief that someone can be ‘so perfect’. A sense of them being so robotic could easily alienate them.
They might be used to displaying high expectations of the other person for much of the time and therefore not able to treat them as an equal. These expectations could leave little room for mutual respect or the placement of boundaries.
They might hold exacting standards of the person as constant with little room left for them to be able to accept human errors or other factors outside the other person’s control.
They are likely to feel resentment (if and) when the person shows that they are struggling and burning out because they might not know how to manage this new situation.
Adopting the assumption that the person on the receiving end of a people-pleaser remains ignorant of the real issue, they may find themselves feeling frustrated if and when their matters stop being dealt with in the usual manner they have been accustomed to. They may see it as conscious disengagement by the other party.
One thing for sure is that there is a limit to what people can do to achieve consistently high standards.
Setting a standard with no boundaries is what actually creates a problem.
Regardless of how organised, efficient and capable a person is, the perfecting standard they may set themself to please others and ‘be everything to everyone’ is unsustainable.
When a person communicates effectively as to the reality of what they can and cannot do, whether it is within a timeframe, within their field of expertise or even if what is being asked of them aligns with their values, it is important for them to be clear in their intentions.
By telling someone that a project would be better placed with an alternative person who has better knowledge of the subject can only be positive for the relationship because a trust is formed.
If a person is clear in setting the expectations, for example the work being completed within a particular timeframe, the person receiving the service is likely to feel more comfortable because they have been well informed.
We have reached a stage in business in which high standards are expected as the norm and it is important to acknowledge this does not mean a person does everything themself.
Working smarter by utilising the skills of experts through outsourcing, employing or collaborating will put a person in a far better position, both physically and mentally, as a business person in order to build trust and long-lasting relationships with those they work with.
Having the autonomy to work in a smarter way, they are not only doing a favour in both a business and personal capacity, but it is also likely to attract the right type of person for them that they are more likely to enjoy working with.
When that happens, pleasing people becomes a subconscious certainty and the people-pleaser might even be seen as the conduit to being everything to everyone.
If you are ready to work with someone who has extremely high standards and is as confident telling you that something is not right or that an alternative approach should be taken as much as congratulating your every win, get in touch.
Anna
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